Somewhere in the world, it is 2018…..
Not here, bitch!!! It’s still 2017 and 3 hours to go. So as much as I have been promising to get into blogging more frequently vis-à-vis, I am here to formally round up some trends that I have personally experienced or for lack of a better word, been forced to suffer through the annals of these internets.
Now all these opinions are my own and for all intended purposes, to help you help me in reflecting and also entertainment.
1. Bad foundation shade
Inglorious 2017, we have been blessed by indie brands and beauty bloggers and YouTubers who called bullshit on brands which failed to get the memo. Y’all ever had that one kid in class, that one co-worker, that one family member, that one individual that you have to consistently and politely remind them that there’s a way of doing stuff because well, we are all grown in these streets but they keep ignoring you because they see no repercussions?
That’s precisely what happened. Thankfully we had the likes of Fenty Beauty that came in and snatched all our coins. Sure you have MAC cosmetics but the narrowing down and thought process that went into compiling the awesome foundation shades, we have been able to overcome this problem of the RIGHT FOUNDATION.
However…. some of you still need work. Please, please and please. No one is asking you to break the bank, but if you do spend your coins in that department, get it together. You don’t have to have all the makeup brands at your disposal. Get the one with the right formula, the right shade that works for the right you, abi you get shop?
2. Time wasters aka your friendly neighborhood fuckboy incorporated
Have you been unfairly treated, promised heaven and earth, told that your everything I ever wanted and still got played? Look no further, as the Lord would have it, deleting, blocking, banishing with enchantment spells has been repackaged into a new and improved package called 📣 📣”I said what I said “📣 📣
That’s right ladies (and dudes), you can now own your very own ” I said what I said” with the ability to shut down any potential destiny snatchers, it is now your time to shine and grow BACK your edges, grow BACK your self-confidence and esteem and finally grow BACK your ability to say GTFOH.
” ah look at her, she’s not even fine…. look at her involving herself in people’s personal life… she’s selling juju all in the name of natural aphrodisiacs….. you’re going to hell… who do you think you are… #MAGA… #AllLivesMatter… racism is over, get over it… oh so you’re starting a business? We will support you ( ends up asking for free stuff all the time)…. ( ends up copying your business model and sabotaging)…. I heard so and so is cheating with so and so ( carries your gossip to Hades and back) meanwhile homegirl is smashing your significant other…”
* sighs* You know………………………
I can’t tell you how many times I have had to turn on my portable hot water kettle to make me a good cup of tea with the goddamn lemon slices just to be able to digest the remarkable level of Thomas Damn Fuckery negative energy people can emit. It has to be illegal. Like seriously y’all be getting wrinkles and shit and wondering why things are going south for you.
Look, baby. Back your shit down. Cool down for Jesus… This world is big enough for everybody and everything. Everything? Yup, everything. Look at me. I started my own blog, my own little space that you managed to find and read. Because this is my space so as I secured mines you go get yours.
4. That Phunk
I wanted to write an entire chapter on this, but I’m going to copy the link of my twitter for you to access here so that you can get the gist of where I’m going with this.
I’m explicitly talking about some of you Nigerians… both Menz and Womenz…. I have come across a lot of things in all my 29 years of this earthly realm, but I am still flabbergasted on how some of you miss road.
“The following rant will be conducted in pidgin English, should readers not understand it I will be happy to translate in the comment sections.”
My pipo, make una come explain this thing to me. I no understand how una go fit commot from house dey look like pesin wey dey do IJGB ( I-Just-Got_Back), but una dey permeate ya whole surroundings say banga fish take style swim from the marine kingdom and just hook on ya destiny. Haba! No be say comon soap dey hard, maybe water go dey hard but make una put effort. Make una try to embrace the scenty scent freshness of fresh. Make una come my place I go fit gist u on how to manage ya self because e take as e be many of una no know say ya opportunity wey fit change ya life dey miss ya address for something as simple as THAT PHUNK!
Basically what I’m saying is if your ass a sour ass stank ass puss. Getcho shit together.
5. Giving up
The amount of pepper that I have seen and the amount of No’s, and You-ain’t-gon-be-shit that I received in this 2017 has actually made me question my own sanity. For the religiously inclined, we are prepared to understand that God can do and undo. In my case, He has done so much good by cracking that door open inch by inch that I have been able to slide my right foot in the door and drag the left one from behind. I chose to squeeze myself, by His Grace, into hope even when hope did not look anywhere near where I was going. But I survived. I did not run mad. I’m here writing this duh. But at the end of the day, nothing worth having to last never EVER comes easy.
When I think back how far and how much I had to endure, where I have planted the seed of prosperity in others, the ways I have learned to really not be hard on myself, I know that if you want the prayer to catch you, you have to believe that the prayer will actually find you. Of course, life ain’t comfortable, but if you look at yourself in the mirror and you don’t see a broken reflection, then you’re going to survive this eventually.
And that folks, is it. I could be wrong. I could be subbing. I could be dragging. We wouldn’t know.